A Problem

I do not know when my independence from you emerged. Probably from all the late nights and that little communication between us.

I think it's unhealthy that we don't even ask each other how the day went. I think it's very unhealthy that I am getting used to being alone, and getting less interested in you. But I am trying.

It's probably not enough.

And I think I am to blame for the present situation.

If not for the career switch, we could have been happier? We can't know now.

I want to talk to you, to tell you my thoughts, my feelings, to know how you are doing, to..just talk. But each time we talk, nothing good comes out of it. I seriously don't know why. It irritates you when I just wanna talk to you properly, to open up to you. Sadly, you always get all defensive and worked up. Can't we just talk nicely for once? Sigh!

I fear. Very much. That we will turn out to be like my parents. I will not allow that to happen.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

"Ta ta ta ti da di ta da da da..." There goes my morning call telling me that he's ready to start the day. Milk, diaper change, reading, playing, bonding, cooking, cleaning and then find a place to enjoy the rest of the day. After dinner, bedtime routine begins and I can finally have a little bit of me time. That's my typical day as a full time mum. Honestly, it's very tiring. The only time when I can rest is during his nap time and bedtime. But when the hubby asked just now, between working and being a full time mum, which is more tiring, I immediately told him that it's a different kind of tiredness. As a mum, it is exhaustion with happiness and a sense of fulfillment. As an employee, I am tired because I am serving others for money. As a teacher, I fear very much that my own will one day turn out to be those that I dread seeing in the classroom. This is the greatest motivation for me to be with him as much as I can through the crucial foundation years, to see that he pick up the good habits and values.

Let me share with you the results I've gotten just after 3 months.

1) from spout drinking to straw drinking
2) from exclusive spoon fed to grasping food/ spoon to self feed
3) from co sleeping to sleeping alone
4) from being sung to sleep to falling asleep on his own

If only I can be there for a while more to mould him into a fine young man. Reality denies me the wish to do so. Hubby wants me to work so that we can have a more comfortable lifestyle, or probably just to get by as his income fluctuates. I don't know. I do miss going out to work and not having to bother about his meals daily. It's so much easier to just chuck him with my mum and pick him up at the end of the day. But I keep thinking, who's to blame if he turns out to be a horrible child with poor manners and values and habits? Who's to blame?? Will regret swallow us whole?

I already have so many regrets in my life.... Can I not have one more to add on to the list?

Life as a MUM

3 weeks ago, I have decided that I had enough of trying to balance work and family and made a decision that I should have made a long time ago: No Pay Leave.

Well, these 3 words encompasses many things. Really.

Of course, I'm delighted that I no longer need to wake my sleeping little one every morning just because I have to ferry him to my mum's. I am ultra delighted that I can spend every single waking moment with him. I am VERY relieved that I don't have to try to correct my mum for every little 'wrong' thing she's doing to my son. Naturally, our mother and daughter relationship has seemed to improve. Let's see for a few more weeks before I say anything more about this.

I must say that I am a much happier person now. Do you know how hard it was to try to be a good employee and the best mum I could be? And then battle with my own mum for what is best for the baby...and then get easily upset with the husband. Well, all these are gone now.

I guess the biggest achievement so far is that I'm cooking! Not a feast but palatable. At least for the baby's taste buds. Haha. For a woman that only knows how to cook instant noodle and fry an egg, whipping 3 meals for the little one is a major accomplishment! And I have been making the husband healthy homemade flavoured water every now and then which he loves. I am trying my best to be a better wife now that I don't have to work. I hope this makes up for the lost income.

Housework. There's endless things to do at home. REALLY. After cooking, you have to wash and clean. Vacuum and mop the floor. The laundry. SAHM is tough work.

So, the vindication of being a full time mum rather than a teacher ? All the above and priceless smile from the toddler.