A Problem

I do not know when my independence from you emerged. Probably from all the late nights and that little communication between us.

I think it's unhealthy that we don't even ask each other how the day went. I think it's very unhealthy that I am getting used to being alone, and getting less interested in you. But I am trying.

It's probably not enough.

And I think I am to blame for the present situation.

If not for the career switch, we could have been happier? We can't know now.

I want to talk to you, to tell you my thoughts, my feelings, to know how you are doing, to..just talk. But each time we talk, nothing good comes out of it. I seriously don't know why. It irritates you when I just wanna talk to you properly, to open up to you. Sadly, you always get all defensive and worked up. Can't we just talk nicely for once? Sigh!

I fear. Very much. That we will turn out to be like my parents. I will not allow that to happen.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

"Ta ta ta ti da di ta da da da..." There goes my morning call telling me that he's ready to start the day. Milk, diaper change, reading, playing, bonding, cooking, cleaning and then find a place to enjoy the rest of the day. After dinner, bedtime routine begins and I can finally have a little bit of me time. That's my typical day as a full time mum. Honestly, it's very tiring. The only time when I can rest is during his nap time and bedtime. But when the hubby asked just now, between working and being a full time mum, which is more tiring, I immediately told him that it's a different kind of tiredness. As a mum, it is exhaustion with happiness and a sense of fulfillment. As an employee, I am tired because I am serving others for money. As a teacher, I fear very much that my own will one day turn out to be those that I dread seeing in the classroom. This is the greatest motivation for me to be with him as much as I can through the crucial foundation years, to see that he pick up the good habits and values.

Let me share with you the results I've gotten just after 3 months.

1) from spout drinking to straw drinking
2) from exclusive spoon fed to grasping food/ spoon to self feed
3) from co sleeping to sleeping alone
4) from being sung to sleep to falling asleep on his own

If only I can be there for a while more to mould him into a fine young man. Reality denies me the wish to do so. Hubby wants me to work so that we can have a more comfortable lifestyle, or probably just to get by as his income fluctuates. I don't know. I do miss going out to work and not having to bother about his meals daily. It's so much easier to just chuck him with my mum and pick him up at the end of the day. But I keep thinking, who's to blame if he turns out to be a horrible child with poor manners and values and habits? Who's to blame?? Will regret swallow us whole?

I already have so many regrets in my life.... Can I not have one more to add on to the list?