2015 in A Blog Post

Hey there!

So 2015 is going and it's another year in a blink. I decided to leave a mark for this year, just so I can remember.

Jan - June: On no pay leave, enjoyed being a SAHM with Liam despite the challenges. Wanted to take a whole year off and give tuition instead of working full time but it didn't work out. Had all sorts of plans for Liam during this time with him (basically feeding plans) but somehow the plans didn't carry through. Oh wells. He's not that cooperative to begin with and having to manage a toddler and a baby just forced me to take the easier way out.

After realising that tuition is not the option (Liam has to spend lots of time with my mum), I decided to go back to work full time and send Liam to infant care. I have grown to enjoy the time away from the kids without feeling guilty. With Hugh, I used to rush straight from work to pick him up so that I could spend time with him but with Liam, I enjoyed having me time. I attributed this to having a reliable childcare to takeover my motherly duties for a little longer (while I recharge). But deep down, I know I'm just being a lazy, selfish mum, and I still feel darn guilty about it. It's very sad how time just whisked past and now he's already 17 months. Where did it go?? I didn't spend as much time with him as I would love to and regretfully, I made that choice. For the past 6 months, his life during weekdays was mostly with his teachers. All I did with him was just car rides, bedtime routines and then off to school again. Big sigh. Typing all these out really pierces my heart.

Ok, let's talk about the husband for a while. He has changed a lot for us and I could see how much he's trying for the family. Although his need for sleep still annoys me to the max, the fact that he has grown so much as a father and a husband is sufficient to make up for it. Finally, I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. :)

And now as I look ahead to 2016, I see another hectic year which revolves around my work and the kids. I hope that I have the strength and the will power to carry out whatever I'm supposed to do as a mother, a wife and an employee. I hope that I can make the right choices and set my priorities right. I have enough regrets to last me ten lifetimes so I really, really want to avoid adding to the list.

So, cheers to 2016, to a better year, with hope and happiness. May I be a better mum and wife, a more filial daughter and of course, world peace! HA

PS: I'm still secretly dreaming of becoming Miss Universe. Yea right.

30

I'm 30!
And on this day, I woke up at 4am, unable to go back to sleep. Funny body, or maybe it's just the baby training me to survive with minimal sleep all over again.

Speaking of which, let's talk about being pregnant again. 3 years ago, I was kicking fit, running marathons and leading an active lifestyle. I'm talking about taking the stairs instead of escalators, doing push ups, swimming, running, lots of walking, etc. And so, during the whole of the first pregnancy, I felt good. None of the 'beached whale' feeling, no breathlessness, no backache... I simply felt wonderful! In comparison, this second pregnancy is draining every ounce of energy. I get backaches, can't walk for long and perpetually tired. Just 2 years apart and having to look after my active toddler at the same time is making me feel like an old, unattractive woman.

So, 7 more weeks to go and I'm all nervous about being a mother of two. I'm so in love with my firstborn that I doubt my capacity to love another child in the same intensity. And can I cope with two? Well I'm sure I will figure out some grand plan on ways to cope, but it's more than just coping, isn't it? With one child in tow, 'me time' is a luxury, couple time is stolen time. You can go figure how to have 'me time' and couple time with two needy children.

Money is another problem. Now, where do I start? When the husband had a career change 2 years ago, our marriage life also took a drastic change. We got into credit card debts, had to downgrade our car, and barely coping with the monthly bills. And from lovers, we drifted apart to become strangers. I resented him for throwing all the parenting duties to me, while he struggled in his new job. Everything changed overnight. And I meant EVERYTHING. I used to drive and then I'm suddenly stranded with the choice of either my legs or public transport. And with a new baby in my life, all I wanna do after work is to rush home. I had serious problem with the way my mum was looking after the baby, and without a partner's support, I was slowly crumbling. On the other side, I knew the husband was also struggling with this new dad role and new job, and his new interest of fishing was his way of de-stress. Unfortunately, this meant that he spent long hours outside and I'm mostly alone with the baby. From cuddling before bedtime when we were a loving couple to falling asleep all by myself  every night. Can you see how bad it was? And in case you were wondering, yes, the D word was constantly on my mind.

BUT ! Thankfully, and I don't even know when things started to improve, now we are a team again. He's a loving dad and a great husband. He helps out a lot at home and tries to bond with our boy as much as he can. We discuss about everything and spend quality time as a family every weekend. I'm really glad that we managed to survive the arduous first year. Things are just gonna get better and juicier as our number 2 completes this family. :) However, we have a constant money problem. Both of us enjoy spending on each other and the children. (I bought him an Alienware laptop and he bought me a LV wallet, and nothing is too expensive for our child.) using credit cards for almost everything just makes it worse. What to do then? Somehow he figured that it'll be best that he goes back to having a stable income and I can venture out to being self-employed so that I can spend more time with the kids. The change has not taken place yet, but I pray hard that it'll work out. It has to. We'll know soon enough.

So, there, to mark off the beginning of my 30s journey, is uncertainties. I still look back and reminisce about my fantastic worry-free teenage and 20s days. Wonderful memories I have there. But the journey ahead as a REAL woman will be what people remember me for. I shall look forward and learn from the past experiences (mistakes), and make the most of what I have, and cherish it.

Cheers!!

A Problem

I do not know when my independence from you emerged. Probably from all the late nights and that little communication between us.

I think it's unhealthy that we don't even ask each other how the day went. I think it's very unhealthy that I am getting used to being alone, and getting less interested in you. But I am trying.

It's probably not enough.

And I think I am to blame for the present situation.

If not for the career switch, we could have been happier? We can't know now.

I want to talk to you, to tell you my thoughts, my feelings, to know how you are doing, to..just talk. But each time we talk, nothing good comes out of it. I seriously don't know why. It irritates you when I just wanna talk to you properly, to open up to you. Sadly, you always get all defensive and worked up. Can't we just talk nicely for once? Sigh!

I fear. Very much. That we will turn out to be like my parents. I will not allow that to happen.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

"Ta ta ta ti da di ta da da da..." There goes my morning call telling me that he's ready to start the day. Milk, diaper change, reading, playing, bonding, cooking, cleaning and then find a place to enjoy the rest of the day. After dinner, bedtime routine begins and I can finally have a little bit of me time. That's my typical day as a full time mum. Honestly, it's very tiring. The only time when I can rest is during his nap time and bedtime. But when the hubby asked just now, between working and being a full time mum, which is more tiring, I immediately told him that it's a different kind of tiredness. As a mum, it is exhaustion with happiness and a sense of fulfillment. As an employee, I am tired because I am serving others for money. As a teacher, I fear very much that my own will one day turn out to be those that I dread seeing in the classroom. This is the greatest motivation for me to be with him as much as I can through the crucial foundation years, to see that he pick up the good habits and values.

Let me share with you the results I've gotten just after 3 months.

1) from spout drinking to straw drinking
2) from exclusive spoon fed to grasping food/ spoon to self feed
3) from co sleeping to sleeping alone
4) from being sung to sleep to falling asleep on his own

If only I can be there for a while more to mould him into a fine young man. Reality denies me the wish to do so. Hubby wants me to work so that we can have a more comfortable lifestyle, or probably just to get by as his income fluctuates. I don't know. I do miss going out to work and not having to bother about his meals daily. It's so much easier to just chuck him with my mum and pick him up at the end of the day. But I keep thinking, who's to blame if he turns out to be a horrible child with poor manners and values and habits? Who's to blame?? Will regret swallow us whole?

I already have so many regrets in my life.... Can I not have one more to add on to the list?

Life as a MUM

3 weeks ago, I have decided that I had enough of trying to balance work and family and made a decision that I should have made a long time ago: No Pay Leave.

Well, these 3 words encompasses many things. Really.

Of course, I'm delighted that I no longer need to wake my sleeping little one every morning just because I have to ferry him to my mum's. I am ultra delighted that I can spend every single waking moment with him. I am VERY relieved that I don't have to try to correct my mum for every little 'wrong' thing she's doing to my son. Naturally, our mother and daughter relationship has seemed to improve. Let's see for a few more weeks before I say anything more about this.

I must say that I am a much happier person now. Do you know how hard it was to try to be a good employee and the best mum I could be? And then battle with my own mum for what is best for the baby...and then get easily upset with the husband. Well, all these are gone now.

I guess the biggest achievement so far is that I'm cooking! Not a feast but palatable. At least for the baby's taste buds. Haha. For a woman that only knows how to cook instant noodle and fry an egg, whipping 3 meals for the little one is a major accomplishment! And I have been making the husband healthy homemade flavoured water every now and then which he loves. I am trying my best to be a better wife now that I don't have to work. I hope this makes up for the lost income.

Housework. There's endless things to do at home. REALLY. After cooking, you have to wash and clean. Vacuum and mop the floor. The laundry. SAHM is tough work.

So, the vindication of being a full time mum rather than a teacher ? All the above and priceless smile from the toddler.

A New Life

It's true. Giving birth is a life-changing event. 8 months post natal and I still have not resumed my exercise regime. Worse is, I don't feel the urgency to, so unlike me.

Life as a mum. I read this somewhere 'I have never been this tired in my life, but at the same time, never this happy.' I think the fact that I lost my freedom and carefree lifestyle somehow made me a sadder human being, so the latter is not true for me. All I know is, I have never loved anyone like this before and I have never wanted to give so selflessly before. (Awww...)

Having a child can rob you of the things that you once thought you can't do without. The sick thing is, you gladly let it be robbed. The child is everything now. I know this is not very healthy, so I try to make a conscious effort to grab back a bit of my former glory. But trust me, it just doesn't seem that important when compared to the baby. (Oohh...a mother's love)

So, each day, I tell myself that I'm not only a mother but a wife, a daughter , a sister and a teacher (you see even as I typed my subconscious ranked it in order of importance). But the husband and the parents and the sister and the school do not need me as much as the son. And I go back to my own mummy world. Tsk tsk.

Okay, the baby is making noise and I have to perform the mummy duty again. Till my next post then...

TA TA

The Gift

Wow, so the last post was before the delivery of the little cutie pie. So much in my mind but I do not know where to start. I shall try.

12 April 2012, T1211123H. Such nice numbers! Hope your life will be as beautiful as the numbers given to you. :)

Life as a new mum is indeed not easy. Now I understand why some women would prefer going to work than staying at home to look after their children. At work, I know when I can finish my job and go home. As a mum, I can't see the end of my job. Everyday is a new challenge and though it's a wonderful feeling to be needed that much by someone, it's really draining.

I'm glad that I persevered breastfeeding until now. The first few weeks were really the hardest. Thankful for a hubby who were there to give support. For a man who hates reading, reading articles on breastfeeding is considered a feat! Thank you, bao bei! (let's not mention the part that I wanted to give up breastfeeding, haha)

With this new addition, our marriage life has changed too. Time has been given to parenting. Whatever couple time we have now has to be pre-planned and with the help of my mum. I used to look forward to 6pm each day because the hubby is gonna come home soon and we can spend the entire evening together. Now with a new career, the husband is working hard and I just cannot expect him to come home as early as he used to. Sigh.

I'm still undecided about taking no pay leave. I guess I just need someone to decide for me this time. Or rather, I need to hear that it'll be alright for me to do that. I'm just worried about the money. Oh wells.