30

I'm 30!
And on this day, I woke up at 4am, unable to go back to sleep. Funny body, or maybe it's just the baby training me to survive with minimal sleep all over again.

Speaking of which, let's talk about being pregnant again. 3 years ago, I was kicking fit, running marathons and leading an active lifestyle. I'm talking about taking the stairs instead of escalators, doing push ups, swimming, running, lots of walking, etc. And so, during the whole of the first pregnancy, I felt good. None of the 'beached whale' feeling, no breathlessness, no backache... I simply felt wonderful! In comparison, this second pregnancy is draining every ounce of energy. I get backaches, can't walk for long and perpetually tired. Just 2 years apart and having to look after my active toddler at the same time is making me feel like an old, unattractive woman.

So, 7 more weeks to go and I'm all nervous about being a mother of two. I'm so in love with my firstborn that I doubt my capacity to love another child in the same intensity. And can I cope with two? Well I'm sure I will figure out some grand plan on ways to cope, but it's more than just coping, isn't it? With one child in tow, 'me time' is a luxury, couple time is stolen time. You can go figure how to have 'me time' and couple time with two needy children.

Money is another problem. Now, where do I start? When the husband had a career change 2 years ago, our marriage life also took a drastic change. We got into credit card debts, had to downgrade our car, and barely coping with the monthly bills. And from lovers, we drifted apart to become strangers. I resented him for throwing all the parenting duties to me, while he struggled in his new job. Everything changed overnight. And I meant EVERYTHING. I used to drive and then I'm suddenly stranded with the choice of either my legs or public transport. And with a new baby in my life, all I wanna do after work is to rush home. I had serious problem with the way my mum was looking after the baby, and without a partner's support, I was slowly crumbling. On the other side, I knew the husband was also struggling with this new dad role and new job, and his new interest of fishing was his way of de-stress. Unfortunately, this meant that he spent long hours outside and I'm mostly alone with the baby. From cuddling before bedtime when we were a loving couple to falling asleep all by myself  every night. Can you see how bad it was? And in case you were wondering, yes, the D word was constantly on my mind.

BUT ! Thankfully, and I don't even know when things started to improve, now we are a team again. He's a loving dad and a great husband. He helps out a lot at home and tries to bond with our boy as much as he can. We discuss about everything and spend quality time as a family every weekend. I'm really glad that we managed to survive the arduous first year. Things are just gonna get better and juicier as our number 2 completes this family. :) However, we have a constant money problem. Both of us enjoy spending on each other and the children. (I bought him an Alienware laptop and he bought me a LV wallet, and nothing is too expensive for our child.) using credit cards for almost everything just makes it worse. What to do then? Somehow he figured that it'll be best that he goes back to having a stable income and I can venture out to being self-employed so that I can spend more time with the kids. The change has not taken place yet, but I pray hard that it'll work out. It has to. We'll know soon enough.

So, there, to mark off the beginning of my 30s journey, is uncertainties. I still look back and reminisce about my fantastic worry-free teenage and 20s days. Wonderful memories I have there. But the journey ahead as a REAL woman will be what people remember me for. I shall look forward and learn from the past experiences (mistakes), and make the most of what I have, and cherish it.

Cheers!!